Thursday, May 26, 2011

Not the "Birthday Party Mom"

You know, before we had kids, I used to really love to entertain. I think I still do- I am always stressed but then glad, after the fact, whenever we have friends come over. I was reminded of this recently when old friends came to town and dropped by with their kids for an impromptu pizza night. They didn't mind our mess, the kids played together, and we had a lovely time catching up! But living in a perpetual state of chaos with 5 kids underfoot makes me feel like I'm always behind and disorganized (probably because I AM). I'd love to be a good housekeeper and have it all together, and maybe someday you'll be able to visit me and sit on the couch without having to move a pile of laundry first. But in the meantime, I need a wall hanging that says "God Bless This Mess!" My favorite comment of all time came from a friend who once said, on her way out: "I love this house. People LIVE here!" Indeed, we do.

So, speaking of the kids...I have been wishing lately that I could be that "Birthday Party Mom". You know the one, she plans her kids' parties weeks or months in advance, makes up little goodie bags for all the guests, gets the cake just right, has fun party games planned, etc., and pulls it all off with a smile. Yeah, well- I am NOT her. I have had every intention of letting my kids have "friend" birthday parties, since now they've been invited to so many they know the drill and want to do that, too. But it would appear that I do not have the birthday party gene! I am sad to say that my poor Olivia's birthday came and went 2 months ago, and she is STILL waiting on her party. I finally gave up and offered her a plan B: she could invite her best friend for a girls' afternoon out instead, and I would take them to Build A Bear Workshop and then to a fancy cupcake shop for a treat afterward. I was relieved when she jumped at the chance! So now I just have to plan the day and work it out with the friend's mom, who offered to take my boys in exchange. Thankfully she does not seem to care about celebrating so far PAST her birthday! And at this point Kiera's birthday has now come and gone, too, so I think we'll just make it a double celebration. Thankfully Kiera, being 3, had a much simpler idea of what her birthday should be. All she wanted was presents and cake and lasagna for dinner, bless her heart! She didn't even have any gift suggestions or really care what kind of cake. The "little" birthdays are the best!

I don't know why I worry about it so much. I guess I just want my kids' birthdays to be special for them- I don't care so much about my own birthday, but I do love their birthdays. Each and every one of them is such a treasure, and I love the opportunity to celebrate them! We have our own traditions, though, that hopefully will be the things they remember as adults, not the lack of Chuck E Cheese birthday parties. The birthday kid always gets a candle in his or her breakfast, for example. They can choose whatever they want, which usually ends up being donuts, and then they can open gifts in the morning after breakfast so they have all day to enjoy the birthday loot. Of course they also get to choose their birthday dinner, and sometimes lunch, depending on how the day goes! Sometimes I sneak in the night before and decorate their bed or doorway while they're sleeping...just little things that fit their love language and hopefully make them feel special. And in the end, isn't that really what it's all about?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sometimes, life throws a curveball...

"I'm really not getting much response, which would indicate a profound hearing loss in that left ear, and it may be permanent." As I sat in the Pediatric Audiologist's office, hearing her speak these words with so much caring and gentleness in her voice, my heart sank. My first thought was, "No, this is just the first test, there has to be something that can be done." Then, my mind immediately raced to the what-ifs: What if this is somehow my fault? What if it IS permanent? What if it gets worse and then he can't hear out of the other ear, either? Will he still be able to carry a tune or play an instrument? What if it's hard for him to use a telephone, and so when he grows up and moves out he never calls home to talk to me anymore? Whoa. Suddenly my whole world felt upside down, and I wondered why I had thought I could breeze through this without my husband by my side.

I had just sat holding my sweet, sleeping 4 month old Micah for an hour while an audiologist at Children's Hospital ran a hearing test on his left ear. It drove me crazy watching her laptop graphing the test and not having a clue what it all meant, but I felt him twitch when the frequencies would change so I was holding on to hope that the test was going ok. Logically, I think I knew that it was entirely possible that the test results could show significant hearing loss, as he had already failed two prior screenings in that ear. But I guess I just hadn't allowed myself to believe that he might have anything more than a correctable problem.

As we sat there discussing the test results and what should happen next, Micah was now quite awake and was sitting in my lap hanging on her every word. Then it happened: that big, gummy-bear grin of his just lit up the whole room. He delighted in getting her attention, drew her in with his sweet smiles and baby babbles, and she couldn't even finish her sentence before responding to him! And that is just his sweet nature; even at 4 months old he just has a way of drawing people in to his little world. I think it was then that the first seed of determination was planted in my mind: whatever happens, whatever the problem may be, this little baby is perfect and he will be fine. And I, his worried and possibly overprotective mother, will be fine too. I know sometimes -maybe many times-as we travel this unfamiliar path, it will be a struggle to remember that, but in the grand scheme of things, we could be so much worse off! The reality is that we do have a perfect, joyful, healthy little baby with four siblings who all love him fiercely, and I would not trade that for anything, whether he can hear me with both ears or not.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Here goes!

I have been toying with the idea of blogging for years now. I've also been told several times that I really should give it a whirl. I have always loved to write, and in recent years I've developed a love for reading blogs, too, but there's always been some reason why I couldn't get started on my own...I am a fairly guarded person until I feel very comfortable, so I have often felt particularly private about whatever I might want to write. Some bloggers definitely do OVERshare, but that is not my style! At times I know I was just overwhelmed with being the homeschooling mother to many small children, juggling too many things already; and then there's the unfamiliarity of it all. I've written in paper journals off and on for years, and it's very comfortable to me to sit with a notebook and a nice pen and just WRITE. Typing my thoughts and putting them out there for the whole world to see? Well that's change, my friends, and change can be scary!

In the interest of keepin' it real from the beginning, I'm also going to admit what is possibly the silliest reason to not start blogging: I struggled mightily to come up with a clever/original/available blog title, and not only that, I don't know how to introduce myself here. My given name is Susanna- so that's what's on my Social Security card, my credit cards and checks, etc. It is also, of course, what my parents call me. (If you go back far enough you'll find my birth certificate actually says Susan, but that's another story!) At this point in my life there are plenty of people who call me by my full name, but at some point I also became Sue, and it has stuck, to the point where it feels a little odd when my hubby refers to me as anything else! Most of the time it is comfortable and it's just who I am- but at the same time I have far too many moments in which I struggle to relax and be myself; this whole name conundrum is just one example! And besides, don't I need some catchy, clever little blurb about myself for a bio? Yes, I think I put WAY too much energy into worrying about such trivialities sometimes!

So, here I am. I'm not sure yet what this blog will be, but it has always been my experience that words are like rabbits- put a couple of them together and very soon you'll have a whole bunch! I'm just going to play around and see where it goes as I get the hang of it...I may choose to write about funny things my kids say or do, great deals I find due to my couponing obsession, homeschooling, parenting, God, or even share my favorite recipes. If you're up for the adventure and want to follow along, all I ask is that you throw me a comment once in awhile!