Comparison Is For Shopping

So as you may know, we are a homeschooling family. I ended up in that pigeonhole totally by accident- though I do believe that God put certain key people in my path at the right times, which led me to where we are in that journey today. I always figured we'd put our kids in school like "everyone else" when the time came; the problem is, we were blessed with a November baby for our firstborn, and in California, that means he could've started Kindergarten at age 4/turning 5, or a year later. We decided to try preschool part-time when he was 3/turning 4, and it was okay, but not great, and I decided that I'd rather he be one of the older kids in his peer group. As such, we did not rush to register for kindergarten after that experience. But, he was so motivated to learn to read that we pretty much covered kindergarten at home in that year following the Preschool Experiment. Truth be told, once I had visited the classroom at the school we were considering, I saw how much time the poor teacher had to spend just trying to manage a roomful of K/1st graders, and I couldn't bear the thought of sending my baby away to school every day when we were doing so well on our own. So we just kept right on going from there!

Fast forward a few years and I'd say now the same firstborn child is working at roughly 4th-5th grade level or above in most subjects. He's a voracious reader, which makes my job so much easier; just don't ask him to write a book report! Writing is definitely high on our list for things to tackle this year. I think we're a bit "behind" in math, but he knows the basic operations and how to solve problems. Math in general comes pretty easily to him, so I haven't been concerned. However, I thought it would be nice to jump ahead a bit from where we are, and so I printed off a placement test for the Singapore Math curriculum we've been using to see if he might be ready to skip a book or two. He was excited at this prospect at first, (Ooh! A math test! No, really, he wanted to take it! Silly kid) but quickly became discouraged as he started going through the test.

He kept asking me questions and clearly needed me to sit with him, or at least nearby, to be available for questions- mostly terminology that we haven't covered yet, like "write 4972 in expanded form". (Heck, *I* had to look that one up...) Unfortunately, it was lunchtime in the middle of a busy day at this point and so I hollered from the kitchen to just put it aside if he couldn't do it and we'd either go ahead and order the next book, or go back and figure it out together another time. I walked back into the room where he was sitting a few minutes later and my poor, sweet boy was fighting back some mighty big tears. Surprised, I asked him what was wrong and he blurted out, "If I can't pass this test I will be BEHIND and I won't be in 5th grade!!" Oh dear. How did that thought get in his little noggin? Furthermore, WHY does it matter?

Well, so much for lunch. I dropped everything, sat right down in the chair across the table from him, and we had a talk. I reiterated to him one of my biggest goals, which is for my kids to KNOW HOW to learn, and, hopefully, love it- not learn how to memorize facts long enough to pass a test. He has heard me say this a million times, he knows this, and he gets it. I want my kids to have time to explore and play, and to experiment with things in order to find their strengths and passions. I am also a big fan of life lessons, and perhaps my number one rule of homeschooling is this: "homeschool" does NOT look like "school at home". My kids do not need to be sitting at a desk, looking attentively at me, in order to be learning. They are learning all the time; I couldn't stop them if I tried! So their "grade" doesn't mean squat in our world- simply tells them which kids to sit with in Sunday School, to be perfectly honest. But lately, he has been preoccupied with what he "should" know and what grade he would be in if he went to a traditional school, and I'm really not sure why.

I reminded him that at 9 years old he has accomplished a lot: there are few books he would be unable to pick up and read on his own (this is the kid who has already read the entire Harry Potter and Percy Jackson series cover to cover, at least twice each). He has an advanced belt in karate. He is gifted with music. He is GOOD at math, no matter what "level" his next book is. I said, "even if you weren't in fifth grade, why would that matter?" He couldn't really give me an answer but it broke my heart that he was so upset about it. And I think the poor kid has started to wrestle with the same lesson I find myself having to re-learn every year: Comparing ourselves to others is a bad idea, and rarely can lead to anything good when it comes to homeschooling. What works for one family may not work for another; heck, in my experience what works with one CHILD may not work for the others! But nevertheless, every fall I start to feel the pressure of what I "should" be doing, worrying about what I may have forgotten, and it makes me feel like I will never measure up.

Here's the cool part of this dilemma: Every time I feel this way, I end up reaching out to someone who has walked the path a lot longer than me, and they always, without fail, pick me up, dust me off, and set me straight again. God sent me the person I needed to hear from just this weekend, and I am so thankful!

It's been a few weeks since The Math Test incident. We've decided we won't skip ahead, we'll just order the book that comes next, and likely will be able to skip parts of it and move on from there that much sooner. And while I realize there are still some things I need to change, and I've got to somehow get more organized- it turns out I have just been measuring myself with the wrong yardstick.

"Marilla, isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" -Anne of Green Gables

A Rambling Monologue About Blessings...

Lately, there have been a lot of challenges in my life- the kind of challenges that I would prefer to stick my head in the sand and ignore because they seem insurmountable, sometimes. I have ridden the rollercoaster all the way through "pack up the family and move out of state" to "put the kids in public school to get more hours to work" and back to "stay the course, do your best, and trust in God." And all along the way, it has taken my breath away more than once to see and experience just how much people love us and want to help in a million different ways, whether we like it or not.

I was talking our situation over with a trusted friend the other day, and she prayed for me right there over the phone. That, of course, made me cry. And when she was done, in my emotional state I felt a temporary moment of complete imbalance and blurted out something about how I just love my family, so, so much...and yet when we find ourselves in difficult situations it is hard not to feel judgement about having a larger than "normal" family, whether the judgement is actually there or not.

Wait, what?! Where did that come from? My own words kind of surprised me. Of course I want to be independently wealthy, and never need help of any kind, and give a lot more materially than we are currently able to give- but don't most people feel that way at one time or another, regardless of the size of their family? It made me realize that in this (stereotypically) 2-child/2-income world in which I find myself living, we really are a bit of an anomaly; but no matter how many strangers incredulously ask me "are ALL those kids yours?", the question never feels judgmental to me. I actually had a store clerk high-five me on a recent shopping trip when he asked and I said yes, they're all mine- he thought it was the most awesome thing he'd seen all day, and his reaction made my day too! I'm sure we are quite a sight to behold, and I think most people who ask that question are just surprised that yes, I DO have 5 kids under 10, and hey- they know how to behave relatively well in public, too!

I have definitely gotten the sense that some people think I'm a tad crazy, overwhelmed, etc., especially when they find out that we homeschool all those kids (which is a whole different blog, for another day). But I have also had just as many people look at my brood and tell me how great my kids are or even that they wished they'd had maybe just one more child. (No one has ever said "gosh, I wish we hadn't had that last kid...") Then there are the grandmotherly types who light up while they tell me about their 4 or 5 now-grown children, like the lady who approached me at a Boston Market one day. I had taken my then-hugely pregnant self and 4 kids to lunch in the midst of a busy day, and they all sat there together and ate well and behaved like perfect angels. It had obviously made her happy to have been able to sit across the restaurant and just watch my sweet babies for a little while, and she felt compelled to say so and then tell me about her own 4 kids. Sometimes I get affirming comments or stories from women who've had "Irish twins", or several rambunctious boys; or proud grandmas who want to brag about their grandbabies a little bit. I love being a part of that sisterhood, and I always stop and listen! It helps me remember I am definitely not alone in my hopeless addiction to babies. Each of my children was a gift from God and as such it shocked me, even as the words were coming out of my mouth during that phone conversation, that I could ever fall victim to that kind of worldly thinking- that people must think I "shouldn't" have so many kids if I cannot always and without fail provide for all their needs and wants. Lord knows that has never been MY belief, but my natural tendency is to want to have it all together and be beyond reproach in everything, 100% of the time. Talk about setting myself up for failure, I know. Goodness, who can ensure that? Look at all the natural disasters we've seen around the world in the last year or so. Whole towns wiped out by tornados. The Tsunami in Japan, the destruction from which I still cannot even fathom. Fires. Floods. Even as I type this there's a huge hurricane headed for the east coast. My own hardworking husband has been laid off more times than I care to count, through no fault of his own. You name it- things happen, and they are going to happen regardless of whether I have 3 kids or 13! So I am not going to allow what others MIGHT think about large families dictate any of the details of my life.

I realized quite a long while ago that I am probably never going to be one of those people who can confidently say, "Oh, no, I am DONE having kids! No more for me, thanks!". And I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who, bless his heart, indulges me and loves me anyway! Now don't get me wrong, 5 young kids is a lot to juggle and maybe I AM done. But the bottom line, for me, is that if God has more kids to give me, I will always happily take them, whatever that may look like. And this is only cemented more in my heart every time I sit back and watch my big kids delighting in their newest sibling. My kids truly love each other, and every time a new one shows up, it just grows. It is an awesome thing to behold.

So getting back to the challenges... one thing I have learned as we've traveled this bumpy road is that a whole lot of people love my family more than I ever realized before. We have been blessed by friends and family time and time again, with everything from childcare to prayer to business referrals to unexpected cash when we really needed it. And as uncomfortable and difficult as it is for me to ever ask for help of any kind, I believe that part of this journey has served to teach me that while it is definitely good to be the giver, sometimes simply opening the door and allowing others to help blesses them even more than me. I've had a chorus line from that song...I think it's called "Changed"... running through my head a lot lately: "we have been blessed, now we're going to be a blessing". I really do want to feel more like I'm being the blessing, but I also believe we reap what we sow; hard times are temporary and it'll all come out in the wash. And in the meantime, I am going to take comfort in the grace and love that continue to rain down on me and my family, and hope that until I can pay forward even a tenth of it, we ARE blessing others, even when it doesn't always feel like it.

We have been blessed– now we’re going to be a blessing

We have been loved– now we’re going to bring love

We’ve been invited– we’re going to share the invitation

We have been changed– to bring change, to bring change

We have been changed– to bring change, to bring change

-Aaron Niequist

Coming to terms

For part 1 of this story, click HERE.

Well. It would seem that my sweet, perfect baby does, indeed have a permanent hearing loss in his left ear. We haven't yet met with the ENT so I suppose there is the outside chance that the initial testing is wrong, but it is evident in his behavior that he truly cannot hear on the left side. It has taken me quite a while to digest this information, but I think I have just about come to terms with it. Today I had to take him back to the audiologist for a THIRD time, because they wanted to re-check his right ear to be sure that he's hearing well on that side. Of course there was no way he was going to go to sleep at the office, which I suspected would be the case, so the audiologist we saw today decided to try a different kind of test that is usually reserved for older babies/kids. He responded pretty well to it and as a result, she was confident that his hearing is normal or at least darn close to normal in his right ear. His left ear, however, shows probable nerve damage, which is permanent. She told me that he can likely hear very loud sounds in that ear, but definitely not softer sounds like normal speech, etc. The good news is, because of the one good ear, his speech/language development should be just fine. The bad news is, he cannot localize sounds, and will probably have a hard time filtering out background noise- turns out you need two ears to do that, so he's going to have to rely more on visual cues than those of us with "normal" hearing.

Maybe it was just that I've had some time to process, but hearing that today didn't come as such a punch in the gut this time. The ultimate truth, for me, is that God has blessed us with an absolutely JOYFUL little baby, and he is perfect just the way he is. And as tends to happen in these situations, God puts people in our lives who allow us to see Him in just the way we need, at just the right time. One of my favorite people happened to be soliciting prayer requests on her Facebook page recently, so I gave her mine, and this is what she said: Sue...oh sweet Sue. I will pray. I will pray for your heart and for your sweet Micah. I think, as believers, the "Ahhhh" is in knowing that none of this surprises God. He formed Micah in His image ...divine design. He already has a purpose and plan for him and every bit of this now...all if it weaves into shaping Micah and preparing him to fulfill the destiny God has already prepared before him. So rest easy, Momma...love him, protect him and watch God do mighty things with him. :)

And so I read those heartfelt words and I cried. And after that my heart felt better, because I knew she was right; and not only that, I learned in that moment to separate the clinical diagnosis of "hearing loss" from MICAH. He is awesome-so awesome that I've threatened on more than one occasion to change his middle name from Alexander to Awesome! He does not know that he can't hear the same as everyone else, nor does he care. He has his Daddy's smile and personality and he's just HAPPY. I don't know why things worked out this way for him, but I do know that as I drove to Children's Hospital for our appointment this morning, I was very, very thankful that it wasn't an appointment for something much worse, even life-threatening. So as my grandmother used to say- this is one of those times when I need to just keep both oars in the water. We'll figure this thing out together, one step at a time. I have been blessed with an amazing husband and family, the very best friends, and a double batch of awesome kids! Can't ask for more than that.

Coins, Coins, Coins!

So here's a "frugal living" themed post. Have you ever used one of those coin-counting machines you see in the front of most grocery stores these days? I've done it just a couple of times before, most recently when I was on a late-night ice cream run in my hubby's car and decided to dump his cup of loose change in to see how much was in it. It paid for the ice cream and then some, by the way- almost $9 in loose change just sitting in his center console, and I left him a bunch of quarters, dimes & nickels for parking meters!

In the past I usually would just walk right on by those machines, because of course they charge a fee for counting all those coins, and I have kids who can do that! Coinstar charges 9.8 cents on the dollar for coins counted in their machines-ouch. HOWEVER, this time, I noticed a FREE option. That's right- you can now dump your change jar into a Coinstar machine and trade for a gift card or eCertificate to quite a variety of places. (Amazon, iTunes, Old Navy, Starbucks- just to name a few of my favorites!) Maybe this has been going on for awhile, but it was news to me! There's more specific info on the Coinstar website if you're curious to find out more. But you can bet I am now itching to take my big bucket of coins to trade in for an Amazon gift card!

Speaking of Amazon...I have also gotten hooked on using SwagBucks as my search engine of choice, because I can earn points that get me Amazon.com gift cards! There are lots of other options, those have just been my prize of choice. I have "earned" about $30 in gift cards just by searching the internet via the SwagBucks toolbar. If you'd like to check it out and get started for yourself, would you do me a favor and use my referral link below? That way I get credit for you, too!

Not the "Birthday Party Mom"

You know, before we had kids, I used to really love to entertain. I think I still do- I am always stressed but then glad, after the fact, whenever we have friends come over. I was reminded of this recently when old friends came to town and dropped by with their kids for an impromptu pizza night. They didn't mind our mess, the kids played together, and we had a lovely time catching up! But living in a perpetual state of chaos with 5 kids underfoot makes me feel like I'm always behind and disorganized (probably because I AM). I'd love to be a good housekeeper and have it all together, and maybe someday you'll be able to visit me and sit on the couch without having to move a pile of laundry first. But in the meantime, I need a wall hanging that says "God Bless This Mess!" My favorite comment of all time came from a friend who once said, on her way out: "I love this house. People LIVE here!" Indeed, we do.

So, speaking of the kids...I have been wishing lately that I could be that "Birthday Party Mom". You know the one, she plans her kids' parties weeks or months in advance, makes up little goodie bags for all the guests, gets the cake just right, has fun party games planned, etc., and pulls it all off with a smile. Yeah, well- I am NOT her. I have had every intention of letting my kids have "friend" birthday parties, since now they've been invited to so many they know the drill and want to do that, too. But it would appear that I do not have the birthday party gene! I am sad to say that my poor Olivia's birthday came and went 2 months ago, and she is STILL waiting on her party. I finally gave up and offered her a plan B: she could invite her best friend for a girls' afternoon out instead, and I would take them to Build A Bear Workshop and then to a fancy cupcake shop for a treat afterward. I was relieved when she jumped at the chance! So now I just have to plan the day and work it out with the friend's mom, who offered to take my boys in exchange. Thankfully she does not seem to care about celebrating so far PAST her birthday! And at this point Kiera's birthday has now come and gone, too, so I think we'll just make it a double celebration. Thankfully Kiera, being 3, had a much simpler idea of what her birthday should be. All she wanted was presents and cake and lasagna for dinner, bless her heart! She didn't even have any gift suggestions or really care what kind of cake. The "little" birthdays are the best!

I don't know why I worry about it so much. I guess I just want my kids' birthdays to be special for them- I don't care so much about my own birthday, but I do love their birthdays. Each and every one of them is such a treasure, and I love the opportunity to celebrate them! We have our own traditions, though, that hopefully will be the things they remember as adults, not the lack of Chuck E Cheese birthday parties. The birthday kid always gets a candle in his or her breakfast, for example. They can choose whatever they want, which usually ends up being donuts, and then they can open gifts in the morning after breakfast so they have all day to enjoy the birthday loot. Of course they also get to choose their birthday dinner, and sometimes lunch, depending on how the day goes! Sometimes I sneak in the night before and decorate their bed or doorway while they're sleeping...just little things that fit their love language and hopefully make them feel special. And in the end, isn't that really what it's all about?

Sometimes, life throws a curveball...

"I'm really not getting much response, which would indicate a profound hearing loss in that left ear, and it may be permanent." As I sat in the Pediatric Audiologist's office, hearing her speak these words with so much caring and gentleness in her voice, my heart sank. My first thought was, "No, this is just the first test, there has to be something that can be done." Then, my mind immediately raced to the what-ifs: What if this is somehow my fault? What if it IS permanent? What if it gets worse and then he can't hear out of the other ear, either? Will he still be able to carry a tune or play an instrument? What if it's hard for him to use a telephone, and so when he grows up and moves out he never calls home to talk to me anymore? Whoa. Suddenly my whole world felt upside down, and I wondered why I had thought I could breeze through this without my husband by my side.

I had just sat holding my sweet, sleeping 4 month old Micah for an hour while an audiologist at Children's Hospital ran a hearing test on his left ear. It drove me crazy watching her laptop graphing the test and not having a clue what it all meant, but I felt him twitch when the frequencies would change so I was holding on to hope that the test was going ok. Logically, I think I knew that it was entirely possible that the test results could show significant hearing loss, as he had already failed two prior screenings in that ear. But I guess I just hadn't allowed myself to believe that he might have anything more than a correctable problem.

As we sat there discussing the test results and what should happen next, Micah was now quite awake and was sitting in my lap hanging on her every word. Then it happened: that big, gummy-bear grin of his just lit up the whole room. He delighted in getting her attention, drew her in with his sweet smiles and baby babbles, and she couldn't even finish her sentence before responding to him! And that is just his sweet nature; even at 4 months old he just has a way of drawing people in to his little world. I think it was then that the first seed of determination was planted in my mind: whatever happens, whatever the problem may be, this little baby is perfect and he will be fine. And I, his worried and possibly overprotective mother, will be fine too. I know sometimes -maybe many times-as we travel this unfamiliar path, it will be a struggle to remember that, but in the grand scheme of things, we could be so much worse off! The reality is that we do have a perfect, joyful, healthy little baby with four siblings who all love him fiercely, and I would not trade that for anything, whether he can hear me with both ears or not.

Here goes!

I have been toying with the idea of blogging for years now. I've also been told several times that I really should give it a whirl. I have always loved to write, and in recent years I've developed a love for reading blogs, too, but there's always been some reason why I couldn't get started on my own...I am a fairly guarded person until I feel very comfortable, so I have often felt particularly private about whatever I might want to write. Some bloggers definitely do OVERshare, but that is not my style! At times I know I was just overwhelmed with being the homeschooling mother to many small children, juggling too many things already; and then there's the unfamiliarity of it all. I've written in paper journals off and on for years, and it's very comfortable to me to sit with a notebook and a nice pen and just WRITE. Typing my thoughts and putting them out there for the whole world to see? Well that's change, my friends, and change can be scary!

In the interest of keepin' it real from the beginning, I'm also going to admit what is possibly the silliest reason to not start blogging: I struggled mightily to come up with a clever/original/available blog title, and not only that, I don't know how to introduce myself here. My given name is Susanna- so that's what's on my Social Security card, my credit cards and checks, etc. It is also, of course, what my parents call me. (If you go back far enough you'll find my birth certificate actually says Susan, but that's another story!) At this point in my life there are plenty of people who call me by my full name, but at some point I also became Sue, and it has stuck, to the point where it feels a little odd when my hubby refers to me as anything else! Most of the time it is comfortable and it's just who I am- but at the same time I have far too many moments in which I struggle to relax and be myself; this whole name conundrum is just one example! And besides, don't I need some catchy, clever little blurb about myself for a bio? Yes, I think I put WAY too much energy into worrying about such trivialities sometimes!

So, here I am. I'm not sure yet what this blog will be, but it has always been my experience that words are like rabbits- put a couple of them together and very soon you'll have a whole bunch! I'm just going to play around and see where it goes as I get the hang of it...I may choose to write about funny things my kids say or do, great deals I find due to my couponing obsession, homeschooling, parenting, God, or even share my favorite recipes. If you're up for the adventure and want to follow along, all I ask is that you throw me a comment once in awhile!