I was talking our situation over with a trusted friend the other day, and she prayed for me right there over the phone. That, of course, made me cry. And when she was done, in my emotional state I felt a temporary moment of complete imbalance and blurted out something about how I just love my family, so, so much...and yet when we find ourselves in difficult situations it is hard not to feel judgement about having a larger than "normal" family, whether the judgement is actually there or not.
Wait, what?! Where did that come from? My own words kind of surprised me. Of course I want to be independently wealthy, and never need help of any kind, and give a lot more materially than we are currently able to give- but don't most people feel that way at one time or another, regardless of the size of their family? It made me realize that in this (stereotypically) 2-child/2-income world in which I find myself living, we really are a bit of an anomaly; but no matter how many strangers incredulously ask me "are ALL those kids yours?", the question never feels judgmental to me. I actually had a store clerk high-five me on a recent shopping trip when he asked and I said yes, they're all mine- he thought it was the most awesome thing he'd seen all day, and his reaction made my day too! I'm sure we are quite a sight to behold, and I think most people who ask that question are just surprised that yes, I DO have 5 kids under 10, and hey- they know how to behave relatively well in public, too!
I have definitely gotten the sense that some people think I'm a tad crazy, overwhelmed, etc., especially when they find out that we homeschool all those kids (which is a whole different blog, for another day). But I have also had just as many people look at my brood and tell me how great my kids are or even that they wished they'd had maybe just one more child. (No one has ever said "gosh, I wish we hadn't had that last kid...") Then there are the grandmotherly types who light up while they tell me about their 4 or 5 now-grown children, like the lady who approached me at a Boston Market one day. I had taken my then-hugely pregnant self and 4 kids to lunch in the midst of a busy day, and they all sat there together and ate well and behaved like perfect angels. It had obviously made her happy to have been able to sit across the restaurant and just watch my sweet babies for a little while, and she felt compelled to say so and then tell me about her own 4 kids. Sometimes I get affirming comments or stories from women who've had "Irish twins", or several rambunctious boys; or proud grandmas who want to brag about their grandbabies a little bit. I love being a part of that sisterhood, and I always stop and listen! It helps me remember I am definitely not alone in my hopeless addiction to babies. Each of my children was a gift from God and as such it shocked me, even as the words were coming out of my mouth during that phone conversation, that I could ever fall victim to that kind of worldly thinking- that people must think I "shouldn't" have so many kids if I cannot always and without fail provide for all their needs and wants. Lord knows that has never been MY belief, but my natural tendency is to want to have it all together and be beyond reproach in everything, 100% of the time. Talk about setting myself up for failure, I know. Goodness, who can ensure that? Look at all the natural disasters we've seen around the world in the last year or so. Whole towns wiped out by tornados. The Tsunami in Japan, the destruction from which I still cannot even fathom. Fires. Floods. Even as I type this there's a huge hurricane headed for the east coast. My own hardworking husband has been laid off more times than I care to count, through no fault of his own. You name it- things happen, and they are going to happen regardless of whether I have 3 kids or 13! So I am not going to allow what others MIGHT think about large families dictate any of the details of my life.
I realized quite a long while ago that I am probably never going to be one of those people who can confidently say, "Oh, no, I am DONE having kids! No more for me, thanks!". And I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who, bless his heart, indulges me and loves me anyway! Now don't get me wrong, 5 young kids is a lot to juggle and maybe I AM done. But the bottom line, for me, is that if God has more kids to give me, I will always happily take them, whatever that may look like. And this is only cemented more in my heart every time I sit back and watch my big kids delighting in their newest sibling. My kids truly love each other, and every time a new one shows up, it just grows. It is an awesome thing to behold.
So getting back to the challenges... one thing I have learned as we've traveled this bumpy road is that a whole lot of people love my family more than I ever realized before. We have been blessed by friends and family time and time again, with everything from childcare to prayer to business referrals to unexpected cash when we really needed it. And as uncomfortable and difficult as it is for me to ever ask for help of any kind, I believe that part of this journey has served to teach me that while it is definitely good to be the giver, sometimes simply opening the door and allowing others to help blesses them even more than me. I've had a chorus line from that song...I think it's called "Changed"... running through my head a lot lately: "we have been blessed, now we're going to be a blessing". I really do want to feel more like I'm being the blessing, but I also believe we reap what we sow; hard times are temporary and it'll all come out in the wash. And in the meantime, I am going to take comfort in the grace and love that continue to rain down on me and my family, and hope that until I can pay forward even a tenth of it, we ARE blessing others, even when it doesn't always feel like it.
We have been blessed– now we’re going to be a blessing
We have been loved– now we’re going to bring love
We’ve been invited– we’re going to share the invitation
We have been changed– to bring change, to bring change
We have been changed– to bring change, to bring change
-Aaron Niequist
